POET'S SKIN

I dance around vivid imagery and try to create sparks

{f;u.l=l}

Is this what hope feels like?

It assures, calms and comforts. It tells you that you are not as alone as you think you are. It reminds you that sometimes, it’s not that no one cares, it’s that you didn’t even let them care.

I really hope that hope can last.

But hoping on hope is still a risk to hope for, right?

No Lea/Ale/Ael

LEAVE. No, stay. Wait a minute, you know what? Just leave. Stay. No, Leave. Stay. Leave.

Please stay.

Have you ever felt so surrounded yet so alone? I can’t even begin to fathom why I feel so so alone. So lonely. I have so many friends but why do I feel like almost no one is there for me when I need them?

What is wrong with me? You’ve always felt right about your friends. Of course you should. You were careful. Handpicked them. Felt they were right to hold. Felt they were right to be yourself around.

You laugh. Go ahead, no one’s telling you not to laugh. But why is it that sometimes when you laugh too hard, your eyes start to lose their shine? Were those not real? If so, what is real?

You have so much to talk about. It’s like you’re always trying to divulge the secrets of the Earth because girl, don’t you blabber so much. But why is it that at the end of the day, after the incessant talking on your part, you sink into your silhouette feeling small, as if you hadn’t spoken a word that day?

Maybe they speak to you too much. 

Who?

The ones in your head. You know, the ones who live in everybody’s head. 

Yes, yes they do.

And if you ever know how to shut those idiots up, please let me know.

But for now, the angels are fighting a war.

And the war is all in my head.

Every-freaking-where.

it ain’t me

Stashed away in a secret hide-out: those kinda places are the best, they said.

Where mystery lives, attraction will thrive and people will soon come streaming in through the doors, they said.

Just gotta wait a while longer, they’re finding their way here, they said.

So i waited.

and waited.

Because they said so. 

Waited until my knees buckled, vision blurred, lying on the floor now realizing

that the reason why they’re taking so long is because they’re never going to come around at all.

Why do emotions exist?

I wish I could count the bruises it left me.

Weird, dark things that got there somehow without me knowing.

Flighty as it is, it never quite leaves me

but rather, it comes around uninvited.

A leech, parasite – these are names I throw to identify it,

but its not quite like any of them.

For you see,

leeches and parasites can’t live without me

but it,

it… can.

I’m the one who can’t leave without it.

Why I liked the popular and highly-critisized Netflix series ’13 Reasons Why’

Before I even started watching ’13 Reasons Why’, I heard a great deal about it, mostly from the internet. Firstly, it was widely advertised on Youtube and that recording part where Hannah Baker, the main lead, said “and you’re one of the reasons why (I died)”? It really caught my attention and piqued my interest in the show, causing me to remind myself to watch it after I was done with exams. However, I saw many articles criticising the show for being a possible trigger to many who have gone through (or are still going through) what Hannah Baker in the show experienced.

Definitely, the general skewed belief that the show was very provoking made me biased about my feelings for this series. Furthermore, at the start, the things that Hannah experienced in school seemed like the kind of things that always happens to kids in high school. After all, it’s that “high school” phase where many people were either being bitchy or being an asshole. Its the young representation of an environment plagued by more bad than good. Hence, her relationship with Justin, Jessica and Alex could be seen as “friendship/reputation problems”, which although can be serious, wasn’t depicted as super serious or anything.

Yet as the show went on, I finally understood. I understood better why suicides take place. Why people can get to a point so low that they are willing to take away their lives. For Hannah, it was the accumulation of everything. Like one huge stone thrown towards her one by one until what’s left was a broken and bruised heart in dire need of help. And which was not given any help at all. A heart that weak? Yeah, suicide. The show cleverly really brought out the emotions that Hannah felt through a portal of life (because if they really only showed the tapes, and people knew that Hannah was dead already, would they be as engaged with the show?): Clay Jensen. The perfect example of “I should have but I didn’t”.

Everyone, at some point of time in life, can relate to Clay Jensen. “If only I knew earlier”, “I would have done something”, “Should have”. He encapsulates the emotion of regret so poignantly that throughout the entire show, it was easy for me to put myself in his footsteps because everyday, it is indeed true that we have the possibility of making a mistake that on hindsight pushes us to think about the “should have beens”, which is what we feel a lot especially when we reach Hannah’s tape about Clay. That includes the occasional mentioning of “If only something were different along the way”, meaning among the 13 of them, if someone had done something differently, Hannah Baker wouldn’t have died. Which once again brings us back to why this show was able to connect so well with me: their portrayal of the “should have been” notion. That really made the series very fulfiling to watch, especially towards the end.

The best part was how the series didn’t give us the ending full on, but rather, presented us with events which allowed us to infer a relatively objective ending, leaving us with satisfaction but curiosity mixed with a little bit of wonder (because we are all just that imaginative, right?).

However, I must admit that certain scenes were indeed -like the articles said-, “triggering”. I found that Hannah’s rape scene was the hardest to watch, because it exposed such vulnerability and should real-life victims witness the scene, the emotions that they may have tried to compress could burst out like waves. And they may drown in those waves. I remember reading that the scene was depicted in a graphic way because the producers/directors/selena gomez felt that people should not try to avoid the rape issue but rather, come to terms with it full frontal. I am not sure whether I would agree with that but generally, I can see why the two varying beliefs believe what they do, which is why I am probably going to sit on the fence for this one.

Anyway, this series has come to an end and although I really felt for Hannah Baker and Clay Jensen, it’s time to move on. And maybe, if I were you, I’d take some of those lessons and apply them to real life. After all, you”ll never know if you will be the next Clay Jensen, right?

 

Here’s why Alcohol makes us our boldest

If you’re hoping to read a scientific article about logical findings and neurological reasons why Alcohol brings out our boldest side, move along, because this post will NOT be for you. However, if you swing more toward understanding the psychological reasons why, then please carry on reading.

Drinking alcohol, as we all know, culminates into a high and floaty feeling, best described usually by the word “high”. This feeling causes us to transcend the limits that we usually adopt in our everyday lives, making us more courageous. And because of that, we can always do whatever the heck we want to do as long as we are under the influence of alcohol. That is also why many of us drink alcohol with the intention to get high, because it is in that state where we truly let go of… I would say, MOST inhibitions that we have (although some are better kept, if you know what I’m talking about).

Yes, alcohol makes us our boldest. We all know that.

But have you wondered why?

Okay.

When we are under the influence of alcohol, many of our brain connections, synapses etc. are being blurred and reduced. This means that a lot of our worrying nerves are kind of like “numbed”, making us 1) Overthink less. In actual fact, many things in life do not deserve our worry, but the brain is the brain. It does what it does best: overthinking. With alcohol? That problem is effectively eliminated and we can finally care less about stuff like what people would think, how bad the outcome can be etc. and ta-da, we can suddenly check off things from our bucket list. We just need the alcohol to get started. But don’t you think not overcomplicating things and thinking more simply should sometimes be an attitude to adopt in our everyday lives?

In the process of overthinking less and blurring out overworked brain connections, we are also rewarded with boldness because 2) We get to be what we want to be. For example, despite the fact that you know you have an undesirable nose, when you are under the influence of alcohol, you suddenly believe you are Blake Lively. Call it delusional, yes, but that’s our brain’s way of stretching our goals and believing firmly in ourselves. Because when you truly possess confidence, you believe that you are whatever you think you are, which is so important because happiness is all about the perspective.

All in all, alcohol makes us more confident because we have less tendency to overthink and we truly believe in ourselves, for once (or however number of times you have taken alcohol).

With that being said, don’t you think we should all strive to gain the confidence released under alcohol and bring it to our everyday lives?
According to Marwa Rakha, from The Poison Tree (I actually do not know if this is a book or something, I just took this quotation off from @TheArtidote on Instagram HAHA but anyway this quote is amazing): “Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between the three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you come.”

So next time, if you are looking for long-lasting courage without the price/damage of alcohol, maybe its time to find a way to be yourself without hingeing your actions upon others’ thoughts and just truly be who you want to be. (I too, wish to reach there 😉 )

A list of wonderfulness

In this list, I give thanks to the few who have made an impact in my life.

Uranus – You are the sun in my life. I fought so hard to retain warmness but it was something I couldn’t keep. And yet you stayed constant amidst the foreboding. Even as the winds blew you away from favour, you kept returning. You made me hopeful that my tomorrow could change. Whenever despair engulfed me, you pulled me out with your words. You don’t even lie when you do that. You are so, so genuine. So, so beautiful.

Saturn – You’re a spirit trying to find her way. Just like me. In many ways, you aren’t like me, but in so many ways, we concur. Nevertheless, you are beautiful and you are kind. Maybe not always, but you try to be. You make people feel safe in your embrace. Comfort? It’s not the kind of thing anyone can just provide, but you make your beacon so bright in the most terrifying of seas. You are so good just as you are not. You also remind me that birds don’t always stay in the same homes. You come just as easy as you go. But I really hope you haven’t already left.

Pluto – You are someone I can have deep and shallow conversations with. When we converge, we look like two idiotic girls who only know what makeup, clothes and snapchat are. But deep down, we know. We know that not everyone deserves the part of us which is so vulnerable. Not everyone deserves to see beyond the shells that we inhabit. And maybe you’re not a great listener and I mostly listen to you rant, but despite all that, I think you are still so worth it.

Mars – I don’t know how to put you into words but I shall try and how can I not start with this? You are so funny. I love how you make the people around you laugh, but I shudder at how behind that hilarious self that you show, you’re depressed deep down. Melancholic but joyful at the same time. How do you manage being so much? I really want to learn from you. But mostly, I just dwell on the other side. I wish you’d open up even more to me but I also understand why you can’t. After all, it goes both ways.

I wish more people were like you guys.

But its alright, scarcity exists for a reason.

What i bow down to

I am sure we are all familiar with this frequent visitor. When he graces us with his presence, sweat oozes from the glands beneath our palms and our heart thumps like a roaring motor; our head spins and our stomach becomes a flutter. And in that moment, it’s like he gripped you so hard that your entire being turned white and your lips became pale blue from the shock he sent you into.

He is fear.

The fear that gnaws at us as we muster up the courage to speak to someone; the fear which bites us as we contemplate between reaction or silence. It is this fear we get when we wake up and realize we are late for school and it is also this fear we get when we realize we have done something pretty wrong.

Fear. Fear. Fear. As his name rolls on my tongue, I almost feel nothing. It’s like he doesn’t exist, which is funny because he obviously does. He just chooses to knock open our doors at the worst timings ever. It’s funny too, how knowing who he is, we still let him in. He just engulfs us like water, wave after wave until we are drenched and have nowhere else to go. And when that happens, we become but an emblem of ourselves, and “who we are” somehow gets lost along the way.

We can’t help it, can we? He controls our minds like Kilgrave and with just a few words, we seem to abide by his rule and allow ourselves to crumble beneath his feet as he fills us with anxiety. Sucking our souls up and putting us a few steps behind. We return to spot zero: our soon-to-be beginning and also, end.

But this can’t always be the case.

There must be some way his whispers don’t brush past our ears. There must be some way we don’t feel obliged to listen to what he has to say, knowing that all he has to say are a bunch of vile, futile insults that we shouldn’t bother to hear at all. There must be some way.

Maybe we can lock our doors.
No, he’ll just crawl in by the window, wouldn’t he?
Oh, so maybe we can lock the windows too.
Nope, he will drill through every fake wall in this house and don’t even say that you don’t have any fake walls because…we all do.

Or maybe what we can do is stack layers and layers of concrete beneath the floors of where we stand.

Maybe we can build those slabs up so high he won’t be able to physically come in .

And when that occurs, maybe the next time we hear from him, the only thing we will catch is a distant whimper in the applause all around.

This darkness has returned and honestly,

i
don’t
know
what
to
do.

It’s 12 am and it’s just another one of those nights when everything hits an all-time low. I mean, how can I not feel this way? All I feel is this sort of emptiness weighing me down. The ghost of who I used or didn’t use to be. Who am I? Really? Am I supposed to let the downpour consume me or am I supposed to open the umbrella and pray that I don’t slip and fall and hurt my bones?

I know the answer seems obvious but how can I just skip back to the other side when that very side was how it all started? This… overwhelming exhaustion.

Maybe i just need to sleep and hope that everything will turn out fine again tomorrow morning. Because if it doesn’t, it’s only going down and I really don’t think I can survive that.

Today

You smile.

You smile until the skin around your eyes crinkle up into crow’s feet and your lips tire, after being pressed up against your white, hard teeth. There’s nothing much you can do but… smile.

Smile.

The whole world’s counting on it. It’s how you can stop people from prying into your lives and it’s how you can stop people from trying so hard to find their way into your heart. Because some things need to be protected and your heart – it is part of those things.

Smile.

Because that’s how you craft an infallible image for yourself. The one which needs no shoulder to cry on, The one who has no tears you can catch and no drunk nights to boast of.

Smile.

Because that’s how you make people think that you’re normal. Because you want to spare them from your un-normalness. Because why let people know what you are?

Smile.

The cameras are clicking away.