(NOTE: This is just fiction but I wanted to write it in a first person view of what having bipolar disorder feels like. I feel really upset that such disorders exist and plague innocent people like all other illnesses/diseases and I really admire their strength :’) and I really hope that after reading this, you will be able to emphasize with them and show these people a little more love and patience.)
Lately, I don’t know what’s gone over me.
Everyone seems to acknowledge that there are wild fluctuations in my mood swings, and also, radical extremities of my highs and lows
Sometimes, I would gesticulate frantically and scream along with my friends, who appear to be on the same frequency as me
But it appears that I would fall into a state of despondency at the slightest of things
and very often, breaking loose of this slump took me just minutes or even mere seconds
And when I do appear to flee from it, I felt so jubilant that it was almost as if I was on drugs
a feeling similar to that felt by me months ago when I tried the drug ecstasy for the curiosity of it
The feeling was indistinguishable.
I struggle with decisions.
I know I am fickle minded and that struggling with decisions on a daily basis is no surprise for me, and is even being seen as routine
Yet the magnitude of the difference in the choices I want to make is cosmic
Voices in my head saying,
“Buy this dress, you know you love it! You would spend a 100 dollars for it,”
“Its the worst thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life. No way I am buying it.”
And multiple times a day,
voices like these clashed against my brain nerves and these inner voices quibble day and night and conflict each other out
parallel in judgement, 180 degrees in separation
Sometimes, after a huge meltdown, I find myself in credit card bills filled with lists of items I don’t recall buying
or even if I did recall buying them, it felt like it all happened in a lucid dream
How could dreams ever translate into such vivid reality?
Hot coals of my anger also seem to easily swell and snowball into large amounts
sometimes turning me into a human monster – belligerent and hasty
My violent tendencies seemed to increase but it was mostly directed at the white cement wall at home
leaving behind brown bruises – a smear of remembrance for me
And when I do stop being violent, I felt like I was the happiest person on earth
Other than turning violent, I found myself snapping at people on a whole new level
Snapping at friends was not so bad – horrible, but after all, quite the norm
But I lashed out at my manager and my boss one day
and the funny thing was I couldn’t even control my mouth
it felt like my mouth didn’t belong to me
but that a remote control controlled by Marsians was prying my mouth open
springing my lips open and causing me to shoot arrows of vicious venom at their pride
and needless to say, that ended up with a packing up of my office desk and a letter of official dismissal.
P.S. I was found later to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.