POET'S SKIN

I dance around vivid imagery and try to create sparks

Month: December, 2014

Bidding 2014 goodbye, Ushering in 2015.

So… I finally took the time to type this post and it is currently 1:48 a.m. in the morning, but do you know which morning I am referring to?

YES IT IS THE MORNING OF 1ST JANUARY 2015. Happy New Year! I would like to say that 2015 will not be like the other years, whereby I always go “Oh, time for a fresh start”, “time to change my life” or “time to something new”. We always tend to see something pristine as a turning point for something, and that mentality is so wrong. In actual, life goes on. Life is a continuing cycle and it is never really about refreshing your life to make it better, but rather, I have found that it is about how to continue living, but incrementally better each year. With each year, we take with us invaluable lessons that may have been learnt through the hard way. We take with us experiences, memorabilia, feelings, thoughts, relationships, love into the next year. And perhaps the term of it even being a “new” year is to simply remind us that hey, a year has gone past. Don’t lose sight of your goals and your values. Don’t lose sight of yourself. And most importantly, be better. Improve.

But before I zoom in onto the parts of myself that I have discovered and yet to discover, I would first like to express gratitude over every single person who has entered my life – be it for the good or for the bad. Thank you for giving me an experience unlike any other. These experiences are unique to me, and so are the feelings that you guys have made me developed. Family, friends and acquaintances. You have all been wonderful human beings who have shared joy in my life and made me blossom. Under your care, I am like a seed given unconditional love and care. A seed which will develop only if I allow it to (but it will develop better thanks to all of you). And also, to all the people who doubt me, here’s an african proverb for you: “They tried to bury us, but they didn’t know we were seeds.” THAT’S RIGHT, I am a damn seed. Try to smother my light, try to speckle my water gains, but I will still grow nonetheless. Your efforts will be futile.

Now, it’s time for some spotlight on me.

2014 was like any other year for me – having its own ups and downs. I started 2014 with a very pessimistic attitude (especially during college orientation) as I was thrown into a foreign environment and I initially couldn’t familiarize myself with the vast array of people and their personalities. I was like a lamb thrown into the wild – vulnerable and defenseless. I found that I couldn’t quite cope with the stress and rigor of the school work and its requirements, and I found myself uttering incessantly about how much I regretted going to Junior College, instead of a Polytechnic. (Ask me now, but I will say I no longer have regrets.) Thank you to all who tolerated (or perhaps even understood) where I was coming from and even willed themselves to hear me rant, even though it’s probably annoying to hear someone complain about their regrets 😦 ) Nevertheless, thank you so so much.

However, all of the regret kind of changed when the days started to go by and I became closer to two girls in my class. A few more weeks or months and we became inseparable. Birds of a feather. Metal to chain, and keys to locks. We traveled on the same frequency, and this frequency that we clung on to cannot be felt by others. Sure, they may try to intrude into the atmosphere, but our specific frequency? That is something special, something we’ve never felt with others, but with each other. These two girls, coupled with their encouragements and never-ending love for someone like me who is so dependent of people, showered me with care and under them, I grew like a happy sunflower under the much-needed sun. You girls were my sun. And I hope I was yours too.

Apart from starting my year off regretting, I also started it off with having low self-esteem. Well, actually, it’s not really “started”, I kind of just had low self-esteem all my life. Want to know why? Ask me privately. But yep, I suffered with that kind of stuff. Not that it was obvious at all, because I can cover it easily with my loud tendencies and the way I carry myself. Many people kind of thought I was someone brimming with confidence but I guess, you really really can’t judge a book by its cover (I’m sure we’ve all learnt about that lesson now, haven’t we?) So anyway, I kind of had this mental breakdown near to the end of the year, where I was so immensely pissed off with all my bad qualities that I kind of reverted back to my old (bad) self for a bit and started to be mean and started to insult and berate myself over everything. It was the kind of breakdown which left my pillow in tears every consecutive night, and with my playlist plugged with melancholic melodies. But one thing I pride myself in, is that I am courageous. I dared to walk out of the storm in my brain/heart. I tried to do that. I kept trying and trying and finding reasons to love myself, to not care about what others thought and to push away people’s doubts for me. And it was really tough, because the people who constantly enveloped me in doubt were people really really close with me, such that I wouldn’t mind dying for them (literally). Yet, they surrounded me in a sea of doubt and discouraging comments. It was so so hurtful. So please don’t even ask me why I have to exaggerate about this mental breakdown I had. I have been living with doubt all my life (I’m not sure if it is because I am way too lousy, or if people have way too high standards, but I’m thinking it’s a mixture of both). Anyway, know that pushing away doubt from the people you love so badly feels horrible. It feels downright horrible. But yep, this year, I have learnt how to (slightly) be able to build up shields against these words, and choose to believe in myself. After all, no one believes in me. What if even I don’t believe in myself, hmm?

I have also tried to be less self-centered as a person this year. (Sorry, I still am). Around the early beginnings of 2014, I made a bad decision too. I too have no idea why I would make that kind of a decision, but I guess I wasn’t thinking right back then. So so disappointed in the selfish decision I made with my friend, because I realized I let down people and it is honestly not a very nice thing to do. I myself would be upset if the same happened to me. But of course, that threw me a lesson: You are too self-centered. Yes, I was an only child for 7 years before my brother came in. I guess that was what contributed to me centering attention on myself since young and even until now. This year, I have learnt how to really really shower attention on others instead of me, so yay, that’s one lesson down. Of course, I am still not as generous and kind to that extent yet, but every year, I’m going to get better, alright? 🙂

Okay.. feels like I have typed too much. TMI hehe. Maybe it’s time to move on to my New Year Resolutions!! This year’s resolutions are going to be very easy yet very fulfilling, unlike the hard to complete ones I set last year (which i didn’t even meet…)

Here goes:

1) STAY HAPPY.

Honestly, it is impossible to stay infinitely happy throughout the year because let’s face it, life is not kind to us every single second of our life. Understand this, but know that what I mean by this is to always remain a positive attitude, even when storms are brewing and rain is dropping. Know that you can be the one to fill the world with light in a rainstorm. Have that power.

2) SPEND LESS ON USELESS MATTERS

By that, I mean spend lesser time on useless platforms such as Instagram and such. Spend more time with reading beautiful fiction books than deciding which photo you should post on Instagram. You will realize that your time will become more valuable and precious.

3) EXERCISE MORE AND BE HEALTHY

It’s the year of the NAPFA exams and that sucks because I would have to do a lot of physical training or Im gonna do badly on the test. Anyway, I hope to have a nicer butt and more toned stomach (no shame ahahhahaahah) so I would have to do a lot of exercise and running!!! Food wise, I’m just gonna try to avoid oily and fried and spicy food when I can. Perhaps I’ll eat them only occasionally hehhee (wonder if that will ever happen)

4) BE HARDWORKING

I don’t know about you, but I ain’t a hardworking nor competitive person. And that is the exact reason why I am not a high achiever at anything much (academics wise or leadership wise haha) I am okay to admit that fact, because… well, it’s a fact after all. This year, I want to try to be a bit more hardworking. That will also mean loads of hours in the school library this year. Oh well………….. the school library shall be my second home.

5) BE KIND

Be kind. I don’t know the exact definition of being kind, but I feel like I want to be a person who is genuinely nice and not fake nice, you know? Well I think I am just a mixture of both, But i just hope i can be genuinely nice to every single person (though that is hard) and regardless of situation too (and that is harder). But hmm, yes I can do it.

6) CONFIDENCE BABY

Time to show people that I can be confident. I am confident. I just need to overlook some matters such as people’s opinions. Once I am past that line, I will be invincible to attacks hoho. But, till then… (I am close okay)

That’s it for me. For now, I’m going to turn in and I’m going to wish you a great year ahead too. I hope you have set wonderful goals for yourself and I believe you will follow through with them diligently (If you’ll only let yourself)

GOODBYE 2014

HELLO 2015!

Advertisements

Indolence and hope (i, ii and iii).


i.
The universe and its entire population sees you –
scrambling, searing, scotch-hopping across island isles.
Past the dunes,round mountain tops, up steep inclines full of jutting rocks.
You’d think that even fabricated creatures would not come to know of your news,
but alas my friend, even the wind carries your name too.

ii.
Don’t think for a second, that I would partake in this jamboree.
I’m too weary to carry the wings that you’d need,
nor give the hecatombs that would take away what I can feed.
And in this evanescent day and night, I pray that what thoughts I breed
will succor and assist me throughout this circus deed.

iii.
And as you carry a ton on your sturdy back, climbing up robust structures
and even more of that, I will take a helicopter ride, and watch you merely from the side.
But as you tear past pine trees with your wooden chalk, and I watch with safety locked,
I know that this will all be of nought, because well, you see, these are scenes from my dream –
a dream in passing moonlight, a dream concocted without a single thought.

Futile plans

underwater_cosply01.jpg

Everything was supposed to turn out a different way –
aligned, arrayed and arranged day by day.
But like the arbitrary winds that carry the El Ninos up to shore,
and like the Hurricanes that were named after people and nothing more,
everything is indefinite and NOTHING is written in stone –
our lives really weren’t carved in black and gold.

RRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGG

The phone is ringing, but I’m not answering it.
Not till I am done here, my keys are still clicking.
It’s not a cinch to have a perfect plan in mind,
yet watch it sink right before your eye.
And the phone does no help in reminding me,
that not everything can stay the way it is.

RRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGG

When will the people stop calling? …
Can’t they see that they’ve made things turn into a mocking?
This so called canvassed ‘perfect plan’
was actually just a rose in the sand –
Lovely, but cast in vain, no more to it than that.

I experimented with a new technique added in to make the poem more interesting, in a way trying to be avant-garde here 🙂 Yep I love poetry because sometimes when I want to rant but don’t want to be too direct, writing helps. Hope you liked it!

Inadequacy

Dear friend,

how many times have you stabbed yourself with invisible knifes smothered with bleeding words, words that tell you that you’re not good enough? That you’re never gonna achieve what you want, what you desire? Words that tell you are a loser. Words that make you feel like you’re… horribly inadequate. And these words? They come from people who doubt you. They come from people who belittle you. And the scariest and most frightening truth of all, is that, they come from you, too.

The moment you decide to allow those knifes to tell you you’re not good enough, is when your mind fully acknowledges and takes in the belief that ostensibly, you are REALLY not good enough and that you are powerless and any effort of yours would just be a futile attempt to climb up a steep mountain.

And honestly it really hurts me to see my friends, and perhaps even strangers I chanced upon online, belittling themselves, telling themselves that they are simply not good enough.

You are enough.

I think a lot of us forget this one thing – that we are all humans. And the word ‘human’ shows you that we are all very very imperfect in our own ways. And perhaps thats when you will start to complain and say – “we are all imperfect, but i am way more imperfect than most people”. NO, You are not. Honestly, no one was born amazing. I mean, yeah, there are some people who can catch up faster than most people or just have a natural knack at certain things. But let’s look at this from a different perspective. You were born to be powerful. You can be powerful, and anyone can be powerful. And to be powerful? It starts from the inside, from your delicate yet strong mind. It doesn’t matter if you can’t win this person, or that person, or any other person, really. No matter what we do, there will always be people who can do things better. No matter what we do, not everyone is going to approve of it. We have to face the fact here – striving for total perfection or near perfection is tough, and that is beyond what most humans can go through. But just because you’re not at the top doesn’t mean you’re not good enough.

I hate it, i really do. I’ve seen powerful, strong people whom I feel would have a great influence on people crumble because they didn’t believe in themselves. I just really really wish all of you can look at yourself the way I look at you. Because in people, I see hope and I see power. But you don’t and you can’t see it in yourself if you are not willing to believe that you are strong-willed.

Please. Open up your windows and embrace your imperfections. Remind yourself this – “I am not perfect. Oh no, I’m not even that good. But that’s going to change. I am going to always improve myself. And I will not bereave myself for mistakes that I may make possibly on my route to self-improvement, because change is never easy and improving is never easy too. I just want to be the best that I can be, in my own unique way. That’s all that matters. ”

That’s all that matters.
Being the best version of you that you can be.

Do yourself a favor now. Close your eyes. Imagine the best version of you possible. What would be doing with your life right now? What will the best you be doing in the near future? Then, wake up and write it down.

Then my friend, that’s you. The best version of you is already inside of you. You just need to let him/her out. You are good enough. Stop convincing yourself that you aren’t, because that’s probably the reason why you can’t reach the best version of you. From now, I hope you realize that that is who you really are, so let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it. (C. Assad)

                               You are adequate, you are good enough. And I                               LOVE                          YOU.