Change.

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“In the end, the essence of life is CHANGE.”

Life is always moving, whether we like it or not. Change is inevitable and is even said to be the only constant that ever existed. Our lives breathe and move all because there is instability in the structures and rules that we define our lives by. The timeline of events that follow through are also a series of unplanned, spontaneous activities that can either spur our happiness or our unhappiness.

I used to think I was open to change, that I always welcomed it with open arms. I always loved the idea of constantly changing my outlook, my environment and rearranging pieces of my life which didn’t feel quite right. I always thought I was a creature of change, and that I was so consistently in motion that even my own life couldn’t keep up with my volatility.

I guess I was wrong. 

All that I had done was embrace the superficial level of ‘change’: just whatever that influenced the exterior. But inside, I was screaming desperately for help. I was stuck in the chains of my familiar past – the past which was never entirely good but in contrast to the current unwelcome change, seemed perfect. I kept wishing I could go back. Go back to a past where the feelings I experienced were like familiar old friends in hide, even if they weren’t necessarily beneficial ones. I refused to let the change be a part of my life. I resisted against it and refused to budge. Closed down all the doors, let up all the walls; Spun a cocoon right where I rested and wove webs around the loud beating of my unsteady heart. The collision of foreign universes just proved to be too overwhelming for me. I. Broke. Down.

In the ruins of my own fall, I tried to assess just what the problem was. I tried to find out what went wrong.

And among the pieces, I found

insecurity

doubt

distrust 

and thankfully, a minuscule piece of … hope. 

And now, I will try again.

But I will eliminate all these stupid little enemies. 

And I will hold on to that tiny amount of hope and I am going to welcome change.

Let’s wait and see.