POET'S SKIN

I dance around vivid imagery and try to create sparks

Month: December, 2016

A list of wonderfulness

In this list, I give thanks to the few who have made an impact in my life.

Uranus – You are the sun in my life. I fought so hard to retain warmness but it was something I couldn’t keep. And yet you stayed constant amidst the foreboding. Even as the winds blew you away from favour, you kept returning. You made me hopeful that my tomorrow could change. Whenever despair engulfed me, you pulled me out with your words. You don’t even lie when you do that. You are so, so genuine. So, so beautiful.

Saturn – You’re a spirit trying to find her way. Just like me. In many ways, you aren’t like me, but in so many ways, we concur. Nevertheless, you are beautiful and you are kind. Maybe not always, but you try to be. You make people feel safe in your embrace. Comfort? It’s not the kind of thing anyone can just provide, but you make your beacon so bright in the most terrifying of seas. You are so good just as you are not. You also remind me that birds don’t always stay in the same homes. You come just as easy as you go. But I really hope you haven’t already left.

Pluto – You are someone I can have deep and shallow conversations with. When we converge, we look like two idiotic girls who only know what makeup, clothes and snapchat are. But deep down, we know. We know that not everyone deserves the part of us which is so vulnerable. Not everyone deserves to see beyond the shells that we inhabit. And maybe you’re not a great listener and I mostly listen to you rant, but despite all that, I think you are still so worth it.

Mars – I don’t know how to put you into words but I shall try and how can I not start with this? You are so funny. I love how you make the people around you laugh, but I shudder at how behind that hilarious self that you show, you’re depressed deep down. Melancholic but joyful at the same time. How do you manage being so much? I really want to learn from you. But mostly, I just dwell on the other side. I wish you’d open up even more to me but I also understand why you can’t. After all, it goes both ways.

I wish more people were like you guys.

But its alright, scarcity exists for a reason.

What i bow down to

I am sure we are all familiar with this frequent visitor. When he graces us with his presence, sweat oozes from the glands beneath our palms and our heart thumps like a roaring motor; our head spins and our stomach becomes a flutter. And in that moment, it’s like he gripped you so hard that your entire being turned white and your lips became pale blue from the shock he sent you into.

He is fear.

The fear that gnaws at us as we muster up the courage to speak to someone; the fear which bites us as we contemplate between reaction or silence. It is this fear we get when we wake up and realize we are late for school and it is also this fear we get when we realize we have done something pretty wrong.

Fear. Fear. Fear. As his name rolls on my tongue, I almost feel nothing. It’s like he doesn’t exist, which is funny because he obviously does. He just chooses to knock open our doors at the worst timings ever. It’s funny too, how knowing who he is, we still let him in. He just engulfs us like water, wave after wave until we are drenched and have nowhere else to go. And when that happens, we become but an emblem of ourselves, and “who we are” somehow gets lost along the way.

We can’t help it, can we? He controls our minds like Kilgrave and with just a few words, we seem to abide by his rule and allow ourselves to crumble beneath his feet as he fills us with anxiety. Sucking our souls up and putting us a few steps behind. We return to spot zero: our soon-to-be beginning and also, end.

But this can’t always be the case.

There must be some way his whispers don’t brush past our ears. There must be some way we don’t feel obliged to listen to what he has to say, knowing that all he has to say are a bunch of vile, futile insults that we shouldn’t bother to hear at all. There must be some way.

Maybe we can lock our doors.
No, he’ll just crawl in by the window, wouldn’t he?
Oh, so maybe we can lock the windows too.
Nope, he will drill through every fake wall in this house and don’t even say that you don’t have any fake walls because…we all do.

Or maybe what we can do is stack layers and layers of concrete beneath the floors of where we stand.

Maybe we can build those slabs up so high he won’t be able to physically come in .

And when that occurs, maybe the next time we hear from him, the only thing we will catch is a distant whimper in the applause all around.

This darkness has returned and honestly,

i
don’t
know
what
to
do.

It’s 12 am and it’s just another one of those nights when everything hits an all-time low. I mean, how can I not feel this way? All I feel is this sort of emptiness weighing me down. The ghost of who I used or didn’t use to be. Who am I? Really? Am I supposed to let the downpour consume me or am I supposed to open the umbrella and pray that I don’t slip and fall and hurt my bones?

I know the answer seems obvious but how can I just skip back to the other side when that very side was how it all started? This… overwhelming exhaustion.

Maybe i just need to sleep and hope that everything will turn out fine again tomorrow morning. Because if it doesn’t, it’s only going down and I really don’t think I can survive that.