POET'S SKIN

I dance around vivid imagery and try to create sparks

Category: Rants

Young Blood.

There are many things in this world that you are still completely oblivious to. There are revelations out there waiting for you to pounce on, and there are secrets that you have yet to unfold. The creases on your skin are still smooth with youth, and the beating of your heart? A constant move.

But the law of time waits for no man, and the passing by of any moment means a moment forever lost. Lost to where, I am not sure, but one thing I am sure of – you can grasp this fleeting moment and capture it, mold it into your perfect picture frame. And if you don’t seize that chance, it will forever slip your fingers by, and the gaps between them will never touch this moment again. Do you really want that? I don’t think so. Also, know that there are many mistakes you are going to make. Any second, any minute, any hour, any day. Mistakes are going to be a constant flux in your life but you can always minimize them. So listen. Listen to me, young one. This is how you should be living your life.

1) Accept, understand & love

I read somewhere that love is the most powerful force on Earth. It’s not light, it’s not gravity, and it certainly isn’t sound. It is love. Love is the driving force of all things beautiful. Love creates unimaginable beauty and love wins everything. It will perhaps be a task to ask you to learn how to tolerate and accept someone you dislike, someone who you perceive to be different from you, or someone whose ways you don’t entirely agree with. Of course it is hard. But I have found that when you do all things with love, you treat everyone with love, the differences between just really don’t matter that much. We are all just human beings. Why can’t we see ourselves as one? Accept, understand and love. And you will see that people around you will also eventually do the same. “Be the Change you Want to see in the World.” These wise words from Gandhi have never been more accurate.

2) Have a little faith in yourself

Many chances are not taken because you don’t believe in yourself. You don’t believe you can do a certain something. Or perhaps you don’t believe you will do it well. Whatever the reason is, please don’t let negligible faith stop you from grabbing a chance. “The impossible only seems impossible until you try.” And that I have found is true (unless you’re talking about stealing the moon). So why not take that chance? You’re not good enough yet anyway, what more do you have to lose? Your face? Oh, you will lose it in about 80 years time, so why not ‘lose’ it now anyway? Don’t be afraid that you won’t be able to do something. “Nothing that we can’t overcome, we’ll make it. We’ll make it out, leaving it all just to go to the other side.”

3) Don’t let others define your happiness

If there’s one thing I have never been more clear about in the past 18 years or so of my life, its that putting your happiness into peoples’ hands is the worst choice ever. Why? Because this happiness of yours that they have seemingly grasped tightly onto gets dropped. All the damn time. People are unpredictable creatures by nature. You can choose to trust people, but putting your happiness in their hands is really risky. Instead, define your own happiness. To you, maybe happiness can be sipping your favourite fruit juice on the way to school or reading a book. I don’t know but, set the boundaries yourself. Find happiness in the little things because happiness is not easy to gain or to find, or even to feel. So be happy at everything. Be happy that your friend is laughing at your lame joke. Be happy that you passed your math test. Be happy that the sky is bright and chirpy. Just find your own happiness.

4) Make an effort.

WORK HARD. I know, it is tough to pick yourself up from your comfort zone and plop yourself into a war zone. But you have to do it. You have to work hard if you want to meet your dreams one day. You have to work hard, to show the world that you are capable of more than just what they see. You have to work hard to fill your medium with valuable knowledge, and plump yourself with views and opinions. You have to work hard to inject the adrenaline of life, the pumping of your blood for a goal that you so badly want. WORK HARD. If you don’t, someone else will.

For now, these are the things I want you to keep in mind. You have been steering away from these values for awhile now, and I’m a little worried. Can you please.. come back? If you do, I will see you soon.

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And I will lose.

Numerous clouds of thoughts have been swirling around in my mind for the past few days. It feels as if I’ve got so much to divulge, yet nothing much to say. The words are trapped in the cages of my mind, and they feel so hard to get off my … tongue. Or fingers.

I’ve been thinking and harping a lot on this one thing – my future. And carpe diem, you might say, but that isn’t going to stop my mind from wandering off to my source of worry. I mean, I really can’t help it. Don’t you know that this world is surrounded by people with all sorts of personalities? And that in this society written in black and white, concocted together by rules and order; intolerant of gray areas – I am the loser. I have so much to lose. I have so much to catch up with. I have so much to run up to. I have so much to… change. I have so much of this, nothing much of that. I am a ball of crumpled up paper, wailing to be smoothed out, screaming to be saved. I am trying to untie my knots and unravel the wrinkled ends. Yet as I try, the world lashes out at me still, and I crawl back into my balled-up form.

What do you want?

And what do I want?

Will I really lose? BUT I DON’T WANT TO.

A little bit more

These days, I have been feeling a little bit under the weather, if you may or may not have noticed. Feelings of doubt that once plagued me a long time ago resurfaced itself into the oceans of my mind, sending my thoughts into a spinning maelstrom, leaving me dizzy, disoriented and dispirited. I pondered over and over again, sometimes sending myself to sleep with dried streaks of tears on my face, about why I was the way I am. How I never seemed to be of much worth when juxtaposed beside others, how everything I did would certainly end up in an unwelcome consequence. Inside, I was a shattering vase, imploding from the nothingness of everything, pieces barely spilling over and out of me. Yet, I had to keep my cool and remain just as I was, for I didn’t want to perplex people, who probably have their own issues to deal with too. I didn’t want everyone to see that I was chaos delivered in the form of a human, that inside, I was fragile and infirm of belief.

And keeping my cool was not easy at all, especially when the sinews of my faith started to strain from all the hurt I was imposing on myself just through my bare thoughts. And I know some of you may tell me, “Why be so hard on yourself?” but I say, I am not hard on myself at all. I was replaying in my head my thoughts of self-doubt simply because I was reminding myself how bad I really really was. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I hate it when it’s so hard to stay positive even though life has so much more to give. I hate it when I hate certain parts of myself not because i was “hard on myself”, but because I actually was what I hated to be, I was my very own nightmare. And yes, in many ways, I was my very own enemy. The enemy I can never seem to shun out of my head.

I furtively admit, sometimes, reeking with bad energy makes me feel good. It’s the kind of bad energy that makes you want to listen to sad and frustrating songs for the whole damn day and just sob the night away, wallowing in the kingdom of self-pity. And oh, how contradicting it is that this air of melancholy surrounding me now needs to be removed from my mind, yet sadness and all the emotions it brings along is a form of cathartic release to me. Do I make sense? I think not.

But all in all, being sad is just a really exhaustive and sapping process. I want for it to stop. For it to be abolished from my mind right this instant. I think the abolition can be an expeditious process but for me, I’m going to have to take a little longer and the process will be more gradual. I guess sometimes when you’re at the bottom of the hill and you want to climb right back up again, you just want to ascend up but yet, much slower than you did before, to catch up on all the passing scenes you once flashed past. Maybe these sights flashed past you too fast once that you didn’t even get the chance to marvel at them, but hey, now you’re in the downs, at the starting line all over again, with happiness hanging behind one thin red thread. And I know I will soon cross the grid of the finish line and be at the top again. So let me stop and stare in awe at all that I can see now from this low altitude. Let me be sad for a while, and not say a word. I have a premonition that my happiness is just a bus stop away and look, my bus is already leaving this dark mountainous terrain. I will see you at the next stop, I will see you there. I promise I will be back soon.

Internal conflicts: Change

Everyone has something they wish they could change. However much you deny it, if you were given a choice to change some part of yourself, you would grab that opportunity like the rarity of a passing butterfly.

Change has its two sides – the good and the bad.

The good kind of change would mean throwing away anything that makes you less of a better person – your horrible eating habits, your low-threshold temper, your pessimism. These are just a few out of all the surfeit examples that make us feel like the devil’s counterparts. So reflect upon yourself and if you feel like you have something like that, wrap it into a garbage bag at the back of your mind and throw it out of you, gradually.

The bad kind of change would mean turning away from the optimistic values of life and to become worse of a person you were before. I don’t know but this is very subjective and everyone has their own perspectives on what kind of change is undesirable. For me, it is losing the once pure view I had of everything, to think of a possibility of me throwing away my childlike mentality and switching for that of an adult one. Sure, retaining a childlike mentality won’t get me anywhere far in life, far from my gigantic dreams and that’s why I am currently being pressurized by myself to change.

The problem is although this kind of a change is termed as bad to me, I also view it as a good change. After all, one cannot stay childish forever, one must learn how to grow up and be self-sufficient. I rely too much on the people around me. I rely on them to get things done, rely on them for emotional comfort, rely on them for… pretty much everything. I am not someone who is mentally strong, in fact, I am actually pretty weak on the inside. I battle with self-doubt and disbelief. i find it hard to act the way everyone else wants me to act – responsible, disciplined and intelligent. A  few days ago, thoughts started flooding back into my mind, thoughts that I assumed I had thrown out of my brain a long time ago. I was wrong, though. My self- doubt was always inside of me. I just knew where to hide it for long enough. Now that it’s back, I have to admit, I’m not as strong as I think as i am or you think I am.

I contemplated distancing myself from everyone. I contemplated spending more alone time than time with friends. I felt that this would give me a lot of space for self-reflection, to find out what was wrong with me. But oh gosh, my friends… They kept me alive. They made me smile, they made me laugh and they made me cry. And most importantly, they made me want to stay. To not pack up my bags and walk away from people. To grow among them, to stay rooted.

And the song “It’s time” couldn’t played itself at a more appropriate timing. Yes, I should change. I should get bigger and stronger. I should. But at the end,

I shouldn’t change who I truly am.

I get it now friends, I get it now, song.

I get it.

But I don’t know if it’s really possible to get stronger (more responsible, self-sufficient, intelligent) without truly changing myself.

I really don’t want to be the me that I still am.

But at the same time, I really do.

Sigh, when will internal conflicts ever shut themselves out of my brain?

Frenetic mode off

The past few weeks have been a partial living hell – nights whereby sleep was just an option, days whereby I had to immerse myself into the monotony of lecture notes and class tutorials, and evenings whereby I was too exhausted to utter a single word and just plopped down onto my bed, only to regret it when I woke up an hour later.

Work was shouting to be done and papers with black wordings were sprawled around my room, on my bed, on my tables and on the floor. I had to flip through tons of books and what not, and write and write like my fingers were going to chip off. It was terrible. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this stressed. It’s like a whole new different world or level that I’m stepping into, one into which someone like me should have never stepped into, one I am unfamiliar with.

Nevertheless, I am still here after all, right? I didn’t give up during the length of this torturous process and that’s also because I had sturdy pillars of support, people who made me feel that perhaps, everything in this place isn’t so bad.

Promotional Examinations. 

Now that most of the papers are done(done just like me when I get my results), I can finally heave a little sigh from my pursed lips. I have been waiting so long just to get this horrible thing(trying so hard not to call it something else much worse) off my back and yes, although it’s not fully over, at least I am left with only a section of a subject. Yay. And also, I don’t really want to think about my results, not for now at least. The thought of the possibility of me failing my promotional examinations just makes me want to sob. I don’t want a repeat of partial hell for a year so please please please, I hope my (moderate)hard work paid off. But for now, I can only keep my fingers crossed and wish myself goodluck.

Looking so so so forward to Tuesday, the last day of the examinations.

Then perhaps, I can resume writing in a notebook at some cafe that smells of wood and freshly-brewed coffee and finally get some peace with my war-mongering brain.

And read my books..

And shop.

And cook.

And feel better.

“You’re a fool, and fools are foolish. And you’re a fool to ever think that you can make it one day.”

but in every fool, there’s a part of them that you don’t have

And that part is belief.

And I will be the fool who makes it one day because I am foolish enough to even believe that I can.

(b, s).