I dance around vivid imagery and try to create sparks

Category: Uncategorized


Is this what hope feels like?

It assures, calms and comforts. It tells you that you are not as alone as you think you are. It reminds you that sometimes, it’s not that no one cares, it’s that you didn’t even let them care.

I really hope that hope can last.

But hoping on hope is still a risk to hope for, right?

Why do emotions exist?

I wish I could count the bruises it left me.

Weird, dark things that got there somehow without me knowing.

Flighty as it is, it never quite leaves me

but rather, it comes around uninvited.

A leech, parasite – these are names I throw to identify it,

but its not quite like any of them.

For you see,

leeches and parasites can’t live without me

but it,

it… can.

I’m the one who can’t leave without it.

Here’s why Alcohol makes us our boldest

If you’re hoping to read a scientific article about logical findings and neurological reasons why Alcohol brings out our boldest side, move along, because this post will NOT be for you. However, if you swing more toward understanding the psychological reasons why, then please carry on reading.

Drinking alcohol, as we all know, culminates into a high and floaty feeling, best described usually by the word “high”. This feeling causes us to transcend the limits that we usually adopt in our everyday lives, making us more courageous. And because of that, we can always do whatever the heck we want to do as long as we are under the influence of alcohol. That is also why many of us drink alcohol with the intention to get high, because it is in that state where we truly let go of… I would say, MOST inhibitions that we have (although some are better kept, if you know what I’m talking about).

Yes, alcohol makes us our boldest. We all know that.

But have you wondered why?


When we are under the influence of alcohol, many of our brain connections, synapses etc. are being blurred and reduced. This means that a lot of our worrying nerves are kind of like “numbed”, making us 1) Overthink less. In actual fact, many things in life do not deserve our worry, but the brain is the brain. It does what it does best: overthinking. With alcohol? That problem is effectively eliminated and we can finally care less about stuff like what people would think, how bad the outcome can be etc. and ta-da, we can suddenly check off things from our bucket list. We just need the alcohol to get started. But don’t you think not overcomplicating things and thinking more simply should sometimes be an attitude to adopt in our everyday lives?

In the process of overthinking less and blurring out overworked brain connections, we are also rewarded with boldness because 2) We get to be what we want to be. For example, despite the fact that you know you have an undesirable nose, when you are under the influence of alcohol, you suddenly believe you are Blake Lively. Call it delusional, yes, but that’s our brain’s way of stretching our goals and believing firmly in ourselves. Because when you truly possess confidence, you believe that you are whatever you think you are, which is so important because happiness is all about the perspective.

All in all, alcohol makes us more confident because we have less tendency to overthink and we truly believe in ourselves, for once (or however number of times you have taken alcohol).

With that being said, don’t you think we should all strive to gain the confidence released under alcohol and bring it to our everyday lives?
According to Marwa Rakha, from The Poison Tree (I actually do not know if this is a book or something, I just took this quotation off from @TheArtidote on Instagram HAHA but anyway this quote is amazing): “Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between the three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you come.”

So next time, if you are looking for long-lasting courage without the price/damage of alcohol, maybe its time to find a way to be yourself without hingeing your actions upon others’ thoughts and just truly be who you want to be. (I too, wish to reach there 😉 )

A list of wonderfulness

In this list, I give thanks to the few who have made an impact in my life.

Uranus – You are the sun in my life. I fought so hard to retain warmness but it was something I couldn’t keep. And yet you stayed constant amidst the foreboding. Even as the winds blew you away from favour, you kept returning. You made me hopeful that my tomorrow could change. Whenever despair engulfed me, you pulled me out with your words. You don’t even lie when you do that. You are so, so genuine. So, so beautiful.

Saturn – You’re a spirit trying to find her way. Just like me. In many ways, you aren’t like me, but in so many ways, we concur. Nevertheless, you are beautiful and you are kind. Maybe not always, but you try to be. You make people feel safe in your embrace. Comfort? It’s not the kind of thing anyone can just provide, but you make your beacon so bright in the most terrifying of seas. You are so good just as you are not. You also remind me that birds don’t always stay in the same homes. You come just as easy as you go. But I really hope you haven’t already left.

Pluto – You are someone I can have deep and shallow conversations with. When we converge, we look like two idiotic girls who only know what makeup, clothes and snapchat are. But deep down, we know. We know that not everyone deserves the part of us which is so vulnerable. Not everyone deserves to see beyond the shells that we inhabit. And maybe you’re not a great listener and I mostly listen to you rant, but despite all that, I think you are still so worth it.

Mars – I don’t know how to put you into words but I shall try and how can I not start with this? You are so funny. I love how you make the people around you laugh, but I shudder at how behind that hilarious self that you show, you’re depressed deep down. Melancholic but joyful at the same time. How do you manage being so much? I really want to learn from you. But mostly, I just dwell on the other side. I wish you’d open up even more to me but I also understand why you can’t. After all, it goes both ways.

I wish more people were like you guys.

But its alright, scarcity exists for a reason.

What i bow down to

I am sure we are all familiar with this frequent visitor. When he graces us with his presence, sweat oozes from the glands beneath our palms and our heart thumps like a roaring motor; our head spins and our stomach becomes a flutter. And in that moment, it’s like he gripped you so hard that your entire being turned white and your lips became pale blue from the shock he sent you into.

He is fear.

The fear that gnaws at us as we muster up the courage to speak to someone; the fear which bites us as we contemplate between reaction or silence. It is this fear we get when we wake up and realize we are late for school and it is also this fear we get when we realize we have done something pretty wrong.

Fear. Fear. Fear. As his name rolls on my tongue, I almost feel nothing. It’s like he doesn’t exist, which is funny because he obviously does. He just chooses to knock open our doors at the worst timings ever. It’s funny too, how knowing who he is, we still let him in. He just engulfs us like water, wave after wave until we are drenched and have nowhere else to go. And when that happens, we become but an emblem of ourselves, and “who we are” somehow gets lost along the way.

We can’t help it, can we? He controls our minds like Kilgrave and with just a few words, we seem to abide by his rule and allow ourselves to crumble beneath his feet as he fills us with anxiety. Sucking our souls up and putting us a few steps behind. We return to spot zero: our soon-to-be beginning and also, end.

But this can’t always be the case.

There must be some way his whispers don’t brush past our ears. There must be some way we don’t feel obliged to listen to what he has to say, knowing that all he has to say are a bunch of vile, futile insults that we shouldn’t bother to hear at all. There must be some way.

Maybe we can lock our doors.
No, he’ll just crawl in by the window, wouldn’t he?
Oh, so maybe we can lock the windows too.
Nope, he will drill through every fake wall in this house and don’t even say that you don’t have any fake walls because…we all do.

Or maybe what we can do is stack layers and layers of concrete beneath the floors of where we stand.

Maybe we can build those slabs up so high he won’t be able to physically come in .

And when that occurs, maybe the next time we hear from him, the only thing we will catch is a distant whimper in the applause all around.

This darkness has returned and honestly,


It’s 12 am and it’s just another one of those nights when everything hits an all-time low. I mean, how can I not feel this way? All I feel is this sort of emptiness weighing me down. The ghost of who I used or didn’t use to be. Who am I? Really? Am I supposed to let the downpour consume me or am I supposed to open the umbrella and pray that I don’t slip and fall and hurt my bones?

I know the answer seems obvious but how can I just skip back to the other side when that very side was how it all started? This… overwhelming exhaustion.

Maybe i just need to sleep and hope that everything will turn out fine again tomorrow morning. Because if it doesn’t, it’s only going down and I really don’t think I can survive that.


You smile.

You smile until the skin around your eyes crinkle up into crow’s feet and your lips tire, after being pressed up against your white, hard teeth. There’s nothing much you can do but… smile.


The whole world’s counting on it. It’s how you can stop people from prying into your lives and it’s how you can stop people from trying so hard to find their way into your heart. Because some things need to be protected and your heart – it is part of those things.


Because that’s how you craft an infallible image for yourself. The one which needs no shoulder to cry on, The one who has no tears you can catch and no drunk nights to boast of.


Because that’s how you make people think that you’re normal. Because you want to spare them from your un-normalness. Because why let people know what you are?


The cameras are clicking away.



“In the end, the essence of life is CHANGE.”

Life is always moving, whether we like it or not. Change is inevitable and is even said to be the only constant that ever existed. Our lives breathe and move all because there is instability in the structures and rules that we define our lives by. The timeline of events that follow through are also a series of unplanned, spontaneous activities that can either spur our happiness or our unhappiness.

I used to think I was open to change, that I always welcomed it with open arms. I always loved the idea of constantly changing my outlook, my environment and rearranging pieces of my life which didn’t feel quite right. I always thought I was a creature of change, and that I was so consistently in motion that even my own life couldn’t keep up with my volatility.

I guess I was wrong. 

All that I had done was embrace the superficial level of ‘change’: just whatever that influenced the exterior. But inside, I was screaming desperately for help. I was stuck in the chains of my familiar past – the past which was never entirely good but in contrast to the current unwelcome change, seemed perfect. I kept wishing I could go back. Go back to a past where the feelings I experienced were like familiar old friends in hide, even if they weren’t necessarily beneficial ones. I refused to let the change be a part of my life. I resisted against it and refused to budge. Closed down all the doors, let up all the walls; Spun a cocoon right where I rested and wove webs around the loud beating of my unsteady heart. The collision of foreign universes just proved to be too overwhelming for me. I. Broke. Down.

In the ruins of my own fall, I tried to assess just what the problem was. I tried to find out what went wrong.

And among the pieces, I found




and thankfully, a minuscule piece of … hope. 

And now, I will try again.

But I will eliminate all these stupid little enemies. 

And I will hold on to that tiny amount of hope and I am going to welcome change.

Let’s wait and see.


Obscure universes.

“I want to travel the world. Find out more about the universe, flip through its pages and leave my mark.”

But… I have no money for that. No time either. And of course, nobody to go with.

Life sucks.”

… or does it really?

Hot masses. Not burning hot, yet not lukewarm – made possible by the complex system of hormones and blood, directed by a beating mechanism… and a universe.

Drugs, meat, sugar and fats – they float in its ocean like a pollutant, slowly choking it up usually over a period of less than 100 years.

People are attracted to the physical resplendence of the universe and its lands, its mountains, its waters but

when will people start to search for the universes that lie in front of their vision?

The ones that may pass by in a second or stay for an hour – we seem to disregard them.

These temporary universes… they scream for understanding. They scream for someone to discover their land, their galaxy, to pour light for their stars to shine.

Yet here we are, like fools, declaring our love to travel the physical universe

not knowing that the universe we should start exploring first is just standing right before us.



The equity and inequity of life.

We often always complain and lament about the fact that life is a ball of unfairness – I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough.. heck, why is he taller than me? Why is she richer than me? Why does she always get what she wants? Why do they all have such amazing parents and I don’t? Why? JUST WHY? And as we ask ourselves such comparative questions, we get caught up in the whole evil cycle of questions that seem to assert and highlight just how unfair life is.

Unfairness is a state of mind. No, actually, many things are all in the mind. Be it happiness, anger, irritation – you name it. You control what you feel about your life. And I have reached this simple conclusion:

Life is fair in its own unfair way.

Even if someone seems to have something that you don’t have, or they seem to have it better than you, there will be something in the lives that they lack. Or, they might actually face something bad in the future that is going to be devastating or they might just get the occasional blues that we all get from life. The thing is, we are not God and we cannot predict how their entire lives will turn out. Thus, the best way to live and go forward is to accept the fact that there will always, and i really mean ALWAYS, be people out there who are more put together than you and who are better than you in many ways. And that while you may not have something they possess, you surely will have something that they don’t – whether it’s now or in the future.

Unfairness is a state of mind.

So the next time you find yourself complaining about how unfair life is, think again.

After all, we can’t be blessed with everything.