Where do I start? Perhaps I should start from telling you that I had a mental breakdown recently. Before you jump to conclusions, let me assure you that my mental breakdown was causing my sanity to teeter upon the edge of a pole for us normal people, but I went nowhere down actual depression/mental hysterics. I’m still a pretty normal person, just a little less normal. And what was my mental breakdown about?
Issues with self-identity, self-esteem and how I felt about people.
Everything was like a mingled hurricane, swirling around in the universal depths of my mind, compelling me to drown within my own thoughts.
I’ve had several periods like these in the past before, where I struggled with internal issues and probably a few external ones. I was not as strong as I looked, as confident as I seemed. Many people have reflected how I walk with the poise of a confident person, but inside, I was really frail. Weak. And powerless in the hands of people. But all of that has changed, especially this year, and especially after my recent mental breakdown.
I am proud to say that I am back. Not as the past Belle, but as the new Belle. And I feel like I have to provide some sort of closure to the old Belle, hence this new post, and also to declare the new me alive.
Ergo, here is what I feel about my past and my present.
And let’s start from…
Ah, friends. The ones everyone must have by their side.
But I would like firstly to say that I am very very very selective when it comes to keeping friends. Sure, my mode of making friends, or rather acquaintances, is arbitrary. Yet when it comes to keeping the select few, the true friends, I am extremely choosy. I believe in choosing the right friends to stay by my side, the ones who lift me up instead of pulling me down. The ones who can accept me for who I am no matter what I do/did. The ones who never disappoint me. And I know exactly who they are. If you’ve never spoken about me behind my back, criticizing me for my past wrongs, or if you’ve never called me a temperamental bitch when I’ve flared up really badly (in my past), then yes, you are the one. You are among the few I have in my mind. And you will know it yourself – whether you’ve done any of the above. If you are the one, you will know. And I thank you so so so so much, you have no idea how grateful I am for your existence, for your being. We will walk down even more roads in the future, I am certain. Thank you, once again. I promise I will always be there for you, no matter what, even when you think no one will ever understand your plight. But I will.
I am currently guarded against people.
Well, I hold expectations of people, just like you probably do. And because of that, I have let countless people put me down and disappoint me, so I don’t like holding expectations anymore. I am really content with the few true friends I have now, and I am not in need for social recognition or for meaningless acquaintances.
Of course, there will be some people (more like friends) that I won’t be guarded against because they are really nice and genuine and beautiful people. They are capable of lifting me up even when we aren’t that close friends, and they are capable of putting a smile on my face even on the days when I am in no mood to laugh. Then there are also the acquaintances (who are rather meaningless i would have to admit) who never fail to make me laugh or raise my moods up even if we are just acquaintances. In such a case, meaningless would be the wrong word to classify them. I thank all of such people, but to all the rest who judge me before they even actually know me as a person, please reflect upon yourself. Or if you’re someone who can’t accept my ways(my irresponsible tendencies and what not), then its totally understandable and I honestly don’t mind. Just don’t be an immature kid and broadcast that to the whole world because really? In my opinion, only dumb people do that, Im sorry.
In general, I can no longer look at people as though they are all angels and everyone is genuine and blah because look where that got me. No where. People aren’t as angelic as they seem, and I had to go through many things to realize that. My faith in people has waned, indeed, but I will still choose to look on the better side of people, any chance I can. Thank you every single person for stepping into my life, be it good or bad. I want to thank you because you are significant and you guys have all taught me lessons and probably more to come.
To all the people I have hurt in the past, I am sorry. I know apologies hardly mean much, but it is genuine. I was really an immature child with no brains in the past and I have hurt many people through my two faced and hypocritical tendencies. You all know who you are because we probably got into conflicts. Still, I have probably already served my sentence and I know you were also pretty revengeful in the past and did bad stuff and got your sentence too. Anyway, I am just really glad that we have all matured and learnt how to forgive each other. I truly have. Thank you for reminding me that I was really dumb and bitchy and thank you for teaching me to be mature enough to forgive you and myself. Even if your stay in my life wasn’t a pleasant one to me, you guys taught me the most and I also taught myself the most. I am really glad to see you all enjoying your lives right now, just as I am. Thank you and sorry.
Also, I know I have been self-centered and made decisions that weren’t so good and I am so sorry for the people who’ve had to deal with that (this year). Sorry, sometimes i look back at myself and ask myself why I even agreed to let the decision be carried out but I guess I just dont think at all sometimes.
My number one base. My most treasured and cherished ones. I love them, I love my family. I am really grateful to be blessed with a complete family – a loving mother, a loyal and hardworking father, and a great brother. And even as I am typing this, my eyes have welled up in tears from all the gratefulness I am feeling. Sure, my dad may be a strict Authoritarian parent and I really really hate his parenting style (because that actually made me grow up in low self-esteem), but I love him alot. I know he says mean stuff to me some times but he is just worried about me, and I know that, even if sometimes I try to hide my knowledge of it (Sorry for the tall pride). My mum may like to flare up at us if we are in a bad mood but that’s just what bad moods do. They crank us up but my mum is really an extremely kind and loving mother. She is so kind that sometimes I look at her and just think, is she a human or an angel? And last but not least, my dear brother. No words can describe how I feel about him but im still going to try anyway. He and I may quarrel some times, but they are often shortlived. Furthermore, our arguments are nothing compared to the ones other siblings have. Other siblings argue noticeably everyday, but we hardly do. Also, my brother is so so so generous and unselfish, more than I ever was at his age. I love him. I love them. They are all so amazing. I hope they know that. Thank you for giving me a healthy family.
Last of all,
Talking about me in general is really really tough.
You have no idea how many persons I am, classified and bundled into one package that screams the name “Belle”.
Lets just start from me as a kid.
Raucous, immature, incensed, low self-esteem, irresponsible, two-faced, hypocritical, irritating, judgemental.
I was a tough little thing to handle. And if I were to see myself in the past, I know I would hate her (me).
Thank goodness, I have changed alot. This is not self-praise but I really have.
Of course, some things still stand (e.g. my irresponsibility, urgh) but alot of the bad ones have been washed away, gone by the tides of time.
I am self-centered. I admit it. I can be self-centered at times and this is something I’ve been since I was a kid. I am indeed trying my best to be as un self-centered as I can, but I can’t promise i won’t always be one. Also, I am self-centered only in certain aspects but when it comes to friends and all, I can assure you I am not. So maybe i ain’t that bad, but ok, still bad.
I am irresponsible. I can be pretty late for appointments especially those I don’t put a care on and that’s pretty rude. Also, since young, I tend to try and evade responsibility which was why no teacher ever appointed me as a prefect/student council or anything. This is an extremely bad trait intrinsic trait of mine that I am finding hard to change. But i know that if I don’t change it soon, I am going to face alot of problems because I am after all, nearing the age of a young adult. And adults need to be responsible. NEED.
have had really bad low self-esteem. I believed in people’s doubts about me, so much such that it translated to me having doubts about myself. BUT NO MORE. Trust me, I will never walk down the road of low self-esteem anymore. I believe in myself, now, i really really do. And no matter how much you doubt me, I will not fall prey to your words.
am was a people-pleaser. And that is nothing to be proud of.
When you are one, you automatically put your happiness and dreams into others’ hands and that’s not a wise thing to do because people will drop them every. single. time. I say, screw all of these people and just do your own thing. And like Ed sheeran once said, “I cant tell you the path for success but the road to failure is pleasing people.” These aren’t the exact words but they’re along that line. As of today and the rest of the days, I have decided to give up on pleasing people and catering to peoples’ needs and wants.
I am going to improve at my own pace no matter what people say. If they say i have any bad qualities i need to change, well, screw them because I am changing and this change may not be noticeable yet but they will be. I am not going to kneel down upon peoples’ requests or care about what they think of me.
I am going to be me in every way I can, except without the bad parts.
I am going to believe in myself and stop doubting myself. I am going to love myself every inch that I can.
Everything in the world is ephemeral and temporary, make the most out of it. Your life is too beautiful for insignificant people who don’t matter.
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You musn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams
No matter how people cast their doubts on me, their opinions no longer matter.
I will be brave and courageous no matter how tempestuous the storm or dire the situation seems.
I will be fearless. Appreciative. Jubilant. And everything I dare to dream to be.
Today and everyday, I will be assertive. I will continue to find beauty in small, tiny things.
You can kiss goodbye to the old me.