I dance around vivid imagery and try to create sparks

Category: Writing

Fiction: Veracious dreamer

Lady from forest 3 by Darey-Dawn

My dreams tell stories.

They don’t tell the mundane bedtime stories that lull us to slumber at night, but the eccentric bizarre ones that touch one’s mind like an enigma, engulfed and sheltered in opaque drapes. In my dreams there are always objects filled with deeper meanings, and they always almost never mean what they are in literal terms. Initially, I thought nothing about them. “Dreams are just dreams,” my grandpa used to say. But not when something happened. Something like that happening in my dreams and finally in real life? It could never be a coincidence.

There was one night where I dreamt of being in a forest. This forest was a tangly mess of leaves and vines and I was stuck admist the disarray, screaming to get out. My lungs felt heavy and weary, as though they were filled with water. Instantly, I felt myself pulled down under the ground and strangely, I was then in water. I was in an ocean of unfathomable depth and I could still breathe, as though I was suddenly bestowed with gills. I mean, anything can happen in dreams after all, right? I remember swimming and swimming and the further I swam, the more my lungs hurt, and my muscles, taut. And the deeper I reached, the more corals and seaweeds there was. And so I just kept on going, until I found myself tangled in yet another mess of sea wonder. The weeds were wound around the corals like ribbons tied like knots, and I screamed yet again. As if it was the work of a higher power, my scream got me pulled down to yet another place. Only that it wasn’t exactly a physical terrestrial place we call Earth. I was pulled into space. There, I found myself breathing without the need for any equipment again. I gesticulated in the air, and I remember smiling in fascination at the feeling of liberty, The inextricable feeling of  bareness. Wholeness. And then I woke up. I woke up breathing hard, and in that moment I wondered if my dream could perhaps have been real.

Then one day, it happened. This “forest”. This “sea wonder”. And finally, “space”.

My dreams tell truth.


Large, yet small.

I clear my throat, just in case the world wants to hear my opinions.
I run my tongue over the edges of my white rocks –
smooth and white.
Trust me,
they matter.

But suddenly I am aware that we are flecks of the reflected sun;
and I am just but a minuscule speck of dust –
physically meagre and trifling.
Trust me,
I don’t matter.

I rub my eyes and I look straight – back at myself in the reflection.
My hands move and the image in front of me moves.
Every muscle I clench – it is major.
Trust me,
I matter.

But then I see a trussed up carcass buried below dead grass and dried flowers;
blowflies hanging from the holes where meat once filled.
Everything I am will be gone, in time. It is already gone.
Trust me,
I, you, me, they – we all – don’t matter.


You know, maybe one day we all just grow up.

We grow out of our meek little shells coated with the thinnest of materials,
and emerge bare and unclad, bodies dripping with dense fluid.
Would we take the shell that bore us shelter for the past years?
The answer is no, simply because it holds no shed for us anymore.
We grow up, and we grow up, and we grow up,
and along the lines, we discover the person we want to be.
And everything falls into place.
The jagged edges consuming the corners of empty spots
are now covered by the puzzles that have finally found their seating
and we, become.
Whatever we decided to be, we

And I’ll become.

Warm, infinitesimal dimension

Stillness in the air all around – not quite the description for a time like this.
It’s autumn, and the leaves are changing.
Turning into crisp, golden colors, and falling onto my book like little flower petals.
They rustle; glisten; calm. I close the book that’s resting on my laps, and stand up.
The air feels a little chilly, but I feel fine in these warm cotton snugs.
Besides, my scarf is giving me all the protection I need.
My boots hit the bituminous road, making clacking sounds as I tread along.
There is no one here, but I know I am safe, even in this dimension undefined by time and laws.
No one understands me, and that’s why I often escape here, where my whereabouts are but whispers engulfed by the wind. Here, where I drift, no one has to understand me. No one can throw stones at me, nor surround me with their embrace.
And this is just yet another infinitesimal dimension in which I find solace in,
because I know there are so many more portals I will travel through,
and even larger sights to see.
And if you want, I can bring you along.
To the next dimension, may we meet.

what is

The world is playing a game of cards,
and like every other game, it lies in wait for the declaration of the winners … and the losers.
Unlike conventional card games, the rules are not always written in black and white.
At times, no clear delineation is given, to tell you how to emerge triumphant.
It’s a dangerous play – and alas, we have all fallen prey to it.
We are all chained to thin, crusty papers and
we have all forgotten what is left without them.
What is life, if we throw away the labels on our skin? Or the objects that have guided us at whim?
What is life, when I say I am leaving? When I close my walls or open my doors?
What is life, if I change everything?
Follow me, we can run away, just You and I.
We don’t have to engage in child’s play, games made for the mediocre mind.
We can sail on boats to find our dreams
Won’t you follow me now to come and see?

Bidding 2014 goodbye, Ushering in 2015.

So… I finally took the time to type this post and it is currently 1:48 a.m. in the morning, but do you know which morning I am referring to?

YES IT IS THE MORNING OF 1ST JANUARY 2015. Happy New Year! I would like to say that 2015 will not be like the other years, whereby I always go “Oh, time for a fresh start”, “time to change my life” or “time to something new”. We always tend to see something pristine as a turning point for something, and that mentality is so wrong. In actual, life goes on. Life is a continuing cycle and it is never really about refreshing your life to make it better, but rather, I have found that it is about how to continue living, but incrementally better each year. With each year, we take with us invaluable lessons that may have been learnt through the hard way. We take with us experiences, memorabilia, feelings, thoughts, relationships, love into the next year. And perhaps the term of it even being a “new” year is to simply remind us that hey, a year has gone past. Don’t lose sight of your goals and your values. Don’t lose sight of yourself. And most importantly, be better. Improve.

But before I zoom in onto the parts of myself that I have discovered and yet to discover, I would first like to express gratitude over every single person who has entered my life – be it for the good or for the bad. Thank you for giving me an experience unlike any other. These experiences are unique to me, and so are the feelings that you guys have made me developed. Family, friends and acquaintances. You have all been wonderful human beings who have shared joy in my life and made me blossom. Under your care, I am like a seed given unconditional love and care. A seed which will develop only if I allow it to (but it will develop better thanks to all of you). And also, to all the people who doubt me, here’s an african proverb for you: “They tried to bury us, but they didn’t know we were seeds.” THAT’S RIGHT, I am a damn seed. Try to smother my light, try to speckle my water gains, but I will still grow nonetheless. Your efforts will be futile.

Now, it’s time for some spotlight on me.

2014 was like any other year for me – having its own ups and downs. I started 2014 with a very pessimistic attitude (especially during college orientation) as I was thrown into a foreign environment and I initially couldn’t familiarize myself with the vast array of people and their personalities. I was like a lamb thrown into the wild – vulnerable and defenseless. I found that I couldn’t quite cope with the stress and rigor of the school work and its requirements, and I found myself uttering incessantly about how much I regretted going to Junior College, instead of a Polytechnic. (Ask me now, but I will say I no longer have regrets.) Thank you to all who tolerated (or perhaps even understood) where I was coming from and even willed themselves to hear me rant, even though it’s probably annoying to hear someone complain about their regrets 😦 ) Nevertheless, thank you so so much.

However, all of the regret kind of changed when the days started to go by and I became closer to two girls in my class. A few more weeks or months and we became inseparable. Birds of a feather. Metal to chain, and keys to locks. We traveled on the same frequency, and this frequency that we clung on to cannot be felt by others. Sure, they may try to intrude into the atmosphere, but our specific frequency? That is something special, something we’ve never felt with others, but with each other. These two girls, coupled with their encouragements and never-ending love for someone like me who is so dependent of people, showered me with care and under them, I grew like a happy sunflower under the much-needed sun. You girls were my sun. And I hope I was yours too.

Apart from starting my year off regretting, I also started it off with having low self-esteem. Well, actually, it’s not really “started”, I kind of just had low self-esteem all my life. Want to know why? Ask me privately. But yep, I suffered with that kind of stuff. Not that it was obvious at all, because I can cover it easily with my loud tendencies and the way I carry myself. Many people kind of thought I was someone brimming with confidence but I guess, you really really can’t judge a book by its cover (I’m sure we’ve all learnt about that lesson now, haven’t we?) So anyway, I kind of had this mental breakdown near to the end of the year, where I was so immensely pissed off with all my bad qualities that I kind of reverted back to my old (bad) self for a bit and started to be mean and started to insult and berate myself over everything. It was the kind of breakdown which left my pillow in tears every consecutive night, and with my playlist plugged with melancholic melodies. But one thing I pride myself in, is that I am courageous. I dared to walk out of the storm in my brain/heart. I tried to do that. I kept trying and trying and finding reasons to love myself, to not care about what others thought and to push away people’s doubts for me. And it was really tough, because the people who constantly enveloped me in doubt were people really really close with me, such that I wouldn’t mind dying for them (literally). Yet, they surrounded me in a sea of doubt and discouraging comments. It was so so hurtful. So please don’t even ask me why I have to exaggerate about this mental breakdown I had. I have been living with doubt all my life (I’m not sure if it is because I am way too lousy, or if people have way too high standards, but I’m thinking it’s a mixture of both). Anyway, know that pushing away doubt from the people you love so badly feels horrible. It feels downright horrible. But yep, this year, I have learnt how to (slightly) be able to build up shields against these words, and choose to believe in myself. After all, no one believes in me. What if even I don’t believe in myself, hmm?

I have also tried to be less self-centered as a person this year. (Sorry, I still am). Around the early beginnings of 2014, I made a bad decision too. I too have no idea why I would make that kind of a decision, but I guess I wasn’t thinking right back then. So so disappointed in the selfish decision I made with my friend, because I realized I let down people and it is honestly not a very nice thing to do. I myself would be upset if the same happened to me. But of course, that threw me a lesson: You are too self-centered. Yes, I was an only child for 7 years before my brother came in. I guess that was what contributed to me centering attention on myself since young and even until now. This year, I have learnt how to really really shower attention on others instead of me, so yay, that’s one lesson down. Of course, I am still not as generous and kind to that extent yet, but every year, I’m going to get better, alright? 🙂

Okay.. feels like I have typed too much. TMI hehe. Maybe it’s time to move on to my New Year Resolutions!! This year’s resolutions are going to be very easy yet very fulfilling, unlike the hard to complete ones I set last year (which i didn’t even meet…)

Here goes:


Honestly, it is impossible to stay infinitely happy throughout the year because let’s face it, life is not kind to us every single second of our life. Understand this, but know that what I mean by this is to always remain a positive attitude, even when storms are brewing and rain is dropping. Know that you can be the one to fill the world with light in a rainstorm. Have that power.


By that, I mean spend lesser time on useless platforms such as Instagram and such. Spend more time with reading beautiful fiction books than deciding which photo you should post on Instagram. You will realize that your time will become more valuable and precious.


It’s the year of the NAPFA exams and that sucks because I would have to do a lot of physical training or Im gonna do badly on the test. Anyway, I hope to have a nicer butt and more toned stomach (no shame ahahhahaahah) so I would have to do a lot of exercise and running!!! Food wise, I’m just gonna try to avoid oily and fried and spicy food when I can. Perhaps I’ll eat them only occasionally hehhee (wonder if that will ever happen)


I don’t know about you, but I ain’t a hardworking nor competitive person. And that is the exact reason why I am not a high achiever at anything much (academics wise or leadership wise haha) I am okay to admit that fact, because… well, it’s a fact after all. This year, I want to try to be a bit more hardworking. That will also mean loads of hours in the school library this year. Oh well………….. the school library shall be my second home.


Be kind. I don’t know the exact definition of being kind, but I feel like I want to be a person who is genuinely nice and not fake nice, you know? Well I think I am just a mixture of both, But i just hope i can be genuinely nice to every single person (though that is hard) and regardless of situation too (and that is harder). But hmm, yes I can do it.


Time to show people that I can be confident. I am confident. I just need to overlook some matters such as people’s opinions. Once I am past that line, I will be invincible to attacks hoho. But, till then… (I am close okay)

That’s it for me. For now, I’m going to turn in and I’m going to wish you a great year ahead too. I hope you have set wonderful goals for yourself and I believe you will follow through with them diligently (If you’ll only let yourself)


HELLO 2015!


Dear friend,

how many times have you stabbed yourself with invisible knifes smothered with bleeding words, words that tell you that you’re not good enough? That you’re never gonna achieve what you want, what you desire? Words that tell you are a loser. Words that make you feel like you’re… horribly inadequate. And these words? They come from people who doubt you. They come from people who belittle you. And the scariest and most frightening truth of all, is that, they come from you, too.

The moment you decide to allow those knifes to tell you you’re not good enough, is when your mind fully acknowledges and takes in the belief that ostensibly, you are REALLY not good enough and that you are powerless and any effort of yours would just be a futile attempt to climb up a steep mountain.

And honestly it really hurts me to see my friends, and perhaps even strangers I chanced upon online, belittling themselves, telling themselves that they are simply not good enough.

You are enough.

I think a lot of us forget this one thing – that we are all humans. And the word ‘human’ shows you that we are all very very imperfect in our own ways. And perhaps thats when you will start to complain and say – “we are all imperfect, but i am way more imperfect than most people”. NO, You are not. Honestly, no one was born amazing. I mean, yeah, there are some people who can catch up faster than most people or just have a natural knack at certain things. But let’s look at this from a different perspective. You were born to be powerful. You can be powerful, and anyone can be powerful. And to be powerful? It starts from the inside, from your delicate yet strong mind. It doesn’t matter if you can’t win this person, or that person, or any other person, really. No matter what we do, there will always be people who can do things better. No matter what we do, not everyone is going to approve of it. We have to face the fact here – striving for total perfection or near perfection is tough, and that is beyond what most humans can go through. But just because you’re not at the top doesn’t mean you’re not good enough.

I hate it, i really do. I’ve seen powerful, strong people whom I feel would have a great influence on people crumble because they didn’t believe in themselves. I just really really wish all of you can look at yourself the way I look at you. Because in people, I see hope and I see power. But you don’t and you can’t see it in yourself if you are not willing to believe that you are strong-willed.

Please. Open up your windows and embrace your imperfections. Remind yourself this – “I am not perfect. Oh no, I’m not even that good. But that’s going to change. I am going to always improve myself. And I will not bereave myself for mistakes that I may make possibly on my route to self-improvement, because change is never easy and improving is never easy too. I just want to be the best that I can be, in my own unique way. That’s all that matters. ”

That’s all that matters.
Being the best version of you that you can be.

Do yourself a favor now. Close your eyes. Imagine the best version of you possible. What would be doing with your life right now? What will the best you be doing in the near future? Then, wake up and write it down.

Then my friend, that’s you. The best version of you is already inside of you. You just need to let him/her out. You are good enough. Stop convincing yourself that you aren’t, because that’s probably the reason why you can’t reach the best version of you. From now, I hope you realize that that is who you really are, so let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it. (C. Assad)

                               You are adequate, you are good enough. And I                               LOVE                          YOU.

Me, bared.


Dear everyone,

Where do I start? Perhaps I should start from telling you that I had a mental breakdown recently. Before you jump to conclusions, let me assure you that my mental breakdown was causing my sanity to teeter upon the edge of a pole for us normal people, but I went nowhere down actual depression/mental hysterics. I’m still a pretty normal person, just a little less normal. And what was my mental breakdown about?


Issues with self-identity, self-esteem and how I felt about people.

Everything was like a mingled hurricane, swirling around in the universal depths of my mind, compelling me to drown within my own thoughts.

I’ve had several periods like these in the past before, where I struggled with internal issues and probably a few external ones. I was not as strong as I looked, as confident as I seemed. Many people have reflected how I walk with the poise of a confident person, but inside, I was really frail. Weak. And powerless in the hands of people. But all of that has changed, especially this year, and especially after my recent mental breakdown.

I am proud to say that I am back. Not as the past Belle, but as the new Belle. And I feel like I have to provide some sort of closure to the old Belle, hence this new post, and also to declare the new me alive. 

Ergo, here is what I feel about my past and my present.

And let’s start from…

Ah, friends. The ones everyone must have by their side.

But I would like firstly to say that I am very very very selective when it comes to keeping friends. Sure, my mode of making friends, or rather acquaintances, is arbitrary. Yet when it comes to keeping the select few, the true friends, I am extremely choosy. I believe in choosing the right friends to stay by my side, the ones who lift me up instead of pulling me down. The ones who can accept me for who I am no matter what I do/did. The ones who never disappoint me. And I know exactly who they are. If you’ve never spoken about me behind my back, criticizing me for my past wrongs, or if you’ve never called me a temperamental bitch when I’ve flared up really badly (in my past), then yes, you are the one. You are among the few I have in my mind. And you will know it yourself – whether you’ve done any of the above. If you are the one, you will know. And I thank you so so so so much, you have no idea how grateful I am for your existence, for your being. We will walk down even more roads in the future, I am certain. Thank you, once again. I promise I will always be there for you, no matter what, even when you think no one will ever understand your plight. But I will.


I am currently guarded against people.


Well, I hold expectations of people, just like you probably do. And because of that, I have let countless people put me down and disappoint me, so I don’t like holding expectations anymore. I am really content with the few true friends I have now, and I am not in need for social recognition or for meaningless acquaintances.

Of course, there will be some people (more like friends) that I won’t be guarded against because they are really nice and genuine and beautiful people. They are capable of lifting me up even when we aren’t that close friends, and they are capable of putting a smile on my face even on the days when I am in no mood to laugh. Then there are also the acquaintances (who are rather meaningless i would have to admit) who never fail to make me laugh or raise my moods up even if we are just acquaintances. In such a case, meaningless would be the wrong word to classify them. I thank all of such people, but to all the rest who judge me before they even actually know me as a person, please reflect upon yourself. Or if you’re someone who can’t accept my ways(my irresponsible tendencies and what not), then its totally understandable and I honestly don’t mind. Just don’t be an immature kid and broadcast that to the whole world because really? In my opinion, only dumb people do that, Im sorry.

In general, I can no longer look at people as though they are all angels and everyone is genuine and blah because look where that got me. No where. People aren’t as angelic as they seem, and I had to go through many things to realize that. My faith in people has waned, indeed, but I will still choose to look on the better side of people, any chance I can. Thank you every single person for stepping into my life, be it good or bad. I want to thank you because you are significant and you guys have all taught me lessons and probably more to come.

My past. 

To all the people I have hurt in the past, I am sorry. I know apologies hardly mean much, but it is genuine. I was really an immature child with no brains in the past and I have hurt many people through my two faced and hypocritical tendencies. You all know who you are because we probably got into conflicts. Still, I have probably already served my sentence and I know you were also pretty revengeful in the past and did bad stuff and got your sentence too. Anyway, I am just really glad that we have all matured and learnt how to forgive each other. I truly have. Thank you for reminding me that I was really dumb and bitchy and thank you for teaching me to be mature enough to forgive you and myself. Even if your stay in my life wasn’t a pleasant one to me, you guys taught me the most and I also taught myself the most. I am really glad to see you all enjoying your lives right now, just as I am. Thank you and sorry.

Also, I know I have been self-centered and made decisions that weren’t so good and I am so sorry for the people who’ve had to deal with that (this year). Sorry, sometimes i look back at myself and ask myself why I even agreed to let the decision be carried out but I guess I just dont think at all sometimes.


My number one base. My most treasured and cherished ones. I love them, I love my family. I am really grateful to be blessed with a complete family – a loving mother, a loyal and hardworking father, and a great brother. And even as I am typing this, my eyes have welled up in tears from all the gratefulness I am feeling. Sure, my dad may be a strict Authoritarian parent and I really really hate his parenting style (because that actually made me grow up in low self-esteem), but I love him alot. I know he says mean stuff to me some times but he is just worried about me, and I know that, even if sometimes I try to hide my knowledge of it (Sorry for the tall pride). My mum may like to flare up at us if we are in a bad mood but that’s just what bad moods do. They crank us up but my mum is really an extremely kind and loving mother. She is so kind that sometimes I look at her and just think, is she a human or an angel? And last but not least, my dear brother. No words can describe how I feel about him but im still going to try anyway. He and I may quarrel some times, but they are often shortlived. Furthermore, our arguments are nothing compared to the ones other siblings have. Other siblings argue noticeably everyday, but we hardly do. Also, my brother is so so so generous and unselfish, more than I ever was at his age. I love him. I love them. They are all so amazing. I hope they know that. Thank you for giving me a healthy family.

Last of all,


Talking about me in general is really really tough.
You have no idea how many persons I am, classified and bundled into one package that screams the name “Belle”.

Lets just start from me as a kid.
Raucous, immature, incensed, low self-esteem, irresponsible, two-faced, hypocritical, irritating, judgemental.
I was a tough little thing to handle. And if I were to see myself in the past, I know I would hate her (me).

Thank goodness, I have changed alot. This is not self-praise but I really have.

Of course, some things still stand (e.g. my irresponsibility, urgh) but alot of the bad ones have been washed away, gone by the tides of time.

I am self-centered. I admit it. I can be self-centered at times and this is something I’ve been since I was a kid. I am indeed trying my best to be as un self-centered as I can, but I can’t promise i won’t always be one. Also, I am self-centered only in certain aspects but when it comes to friends and all, I can assure you I am not. So maybe i ain’t that bad, but ok, still bad.

I am irresponsible. I can be pretty late for appointments especially those I don’t put a care on and that’s pretty rude. Also, since young, I tend to try and evade responsibility which was why no teacher ever appointed me as a prefect/student council or anything. This is an extremely bad trait intrinsic trait of mine that I am finding hard to change. But i know that if I don’t change it soon, I am going to face alot of problems because I am after all, nearing the age of a young adult. And adults need to be responsible. NEED.

I have had really bad low self-esteem. I believed in people’s doubts about me, so much such that it translated to me having doubts about myself. BUT NO MORE. Trust me, I will never walk down the road of low self-esteem anymore. I believe in myself, now, i really really do. And no matter how much you doubt me, I will not fall prey to your words.

I am was a people-pleaser. And that is nothing to be proud of.

When you are one, you automatically put your happiness and dreams into others’ hands and that’s not a wise thing to do because people will drop them every. single. time. I say, screw all of these people and just do your own thing. And like Ed sheeran once said, “I cant tell you the path for success but the road to failure is pleasing people.” These aren’t the exact words but they’re along that line. As of today and the rest of the days, I have decided to give up on pleasing people and catering to peoples’ needs and wants.

I am going to improve at my own pace no matter what people say. If they say i have any bad qualities i need to change, well, screw them because I am changing and this change may not be noticeable yet but they will be. I am not going to kneel down upon peoples’ requests or care about what they think of me.

I am going to be me in every way I can, except without the bad parts.

I am going to believe in myself and stop doubting myself. I am going to love myself every inch that I can.

Everything in the world is ephemeral and temporary, make the most out of it. Your life is too beautiful for insignificant people who don’t matter.

“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You musn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams

No matter how people cast their doubts on me, their opinions no longer matter.

I will be brave and courageous no matter how tempestuous the storm or dire the situation seems.

I will be fearless. Appreciative. Jubilant. And everything I dare to dream to be.

Today and everyday, I will be assertive. I will continue to find beauty in small, tiny things.

You can kiss goodbye to the old me.


Protected: A letter to you

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4 Souls

Nighthawks (1942) by Edward Hopper

The light of a diner was a lucent gleam in the backdrop of the cold night.
Shops were closed, and displayed items during the day taken off their mahogany shelves.
One might wonder and feel intrigued,
Of what purpose do the four lingering souls have in a place permeated with the smell of coffee,
to not rest in the dawn of day?
Or why do they cease to fall asleep in the darkness that was supposed to harness their busy minds
to respite?

;Him & her
Love-locked, entranced in the worlds of each other
and tonight was no exception.
“Yes, with no sugar. He likes it that way.”
Chuckles and a deep sonorous voice, “You know me so well, babe.”
Adorned in formal attire,
the pair had just got back from a monumental event, but had decided that
it felt way too early to get back just yet.
After all, they were a pair
a pair of nocturnal animals lounging in despair.

Black fedora cloaking the blackness of his eyes,
his gaze was fixated on a newspaper donning a headline that read –
“Man loses millions on a business deal that went red”
The mere sight of the grey dusted paper in front of him
made his heart wrench
and he crushed the worded thing in his hands,
reminding himself to toss it away, along with the littered floor
filled with carcasses of newspapers,
so uncultivated like that of wild moors.

Did he have a choice?
No, he didn’t.
After all, almost no one was deranged enough
to open shop in the dead of the night,
where no souls would wander around.
He had to bring beans, salted bread, maybe tea leaves,
turnips, onions, tomatoes of a fine breed
onto the plates of the ones at home
His wife, his daughter, his son housed in their little dome
Yet, he would not be able to see them for long,
for the time keeper worships to keep the night
exactly 24 hours long.

(b, s)

Find a Muse in the Masters – Writing Challenge