So… I finally took the time to type this post and it is currently 1:48 a.m. in the morning, but do you know which morning I am referring to?
YES IT IS THE MORNING OF 1ST JANUARY 2015. Happy New Year! I would like to say that 2015 will not be like the other years, whereby I always go “Oh, time for a fresh start”, “time to change my life” or “time to something new”. We always tend to see something pristine as a turning point for something, and that mentality is so wrong. In actual, life goes on. Life is a continuing cycle and it is never really about refreshing your life to make it better, but rather, I have found that it is about how to continue living, but incrementally better each year. With each year, we take with us invaluable lessons that may have been learnt through the hard way. We take with us experiences, memorabilia, feelings, thoughts, relationships, love into the next year. And perhaps the term of it even being a “new” year is to simply remind us that hey, a year has gone past. Don’t lose sight of your goals and your values. Don’t lose sight of yourself. And most importantly, be better. Improve.
But before I zoom in onto the parts of myself that I have discovered and yet to discover, I would first like to express gratitude over every single person who has entered my life – be it for the good or for the bad. Thank you for giving me an experience unlike any other. These experiences are unique to me, and so are the feelings that you guys have made me developed. Family, friends and acquaintances. You have all been wonderful human beings who have shared joy in my life and made me blossom. Under your care, I am like a seed given unconditional love and care. A seed which will develop only if I allow it to (but it will develop better thanks to all of you). And also, to all the people who doubt me, here’s an african proverb for you: “They tried to bury us, but they didn’t know we were seeds.” THAT’S RIGHT, I am a damn seed. Try to smother my light, try to speckle my water gains, but I will still grow nonetheless. Your efforts will be futile.
Now, it’s time for some spotlight on me.
2014 was like any other year for me – having its own ups and downs. I started 2014 with a very pessimistic attitude (especially during college orientation) as I was thrown into a foreign environment and I initially couldn’t familiarize myself with the vast array of people and their personalities. I was like a lamb thrown into the wild – vulnerable and defenseless. I found that I couldn’t quite cope with the stress and rigor of the school work and its requirements, and I found myself uttering incessantly about how much I regretted going to Junior College, instead of a Polytechnic. (Ask me now, but I will say I no longer have regrets.) Thank you to all who tolerated (or perhaps even understood) where I was coming from and even willed themselves to hear me rant, even though it’s probably annoying to hear someone complain about their regrets 😦 ) Nevertheless, thank you so so much.
However, all of the regret kind of changed when the days started to go by and I became closer to two girls in my class. A few more weeks or months and we became inseparable. Birds of a feather. Metal to chain, and keys to locks. We traveled on the same frequency, and this frequency that we clung on to cannot be felt by others. Sure, they may try to intrude into the atmosphere, but our specific frequency? That is something special, something we’ve never felt with others, but with each other. These two girls, coupled with their encouragements and never-ending love for someone like me who is so dependent of people, showered me with care and under them, I grew like a happy sunflower under the much-needed sun. You girls were my sun. And I hope I was yours too.
Apart from starting my year off regretting, I also started it off with having low self-esteem. Well, actually, it’s not really “started”, I kind of just had low self-esteem all my life. Want to know why? Ask me privately. But yep, I suffered with that kind of stuff. Not that it was obvious at all, because I can cover it easily with my loud tendencies and the way I carry myself. Many people kind of thought I was someone brimming with confidence but I guess, you really really can’t judge a book by its cover (I’m sure we’ve all learnt about that lesson now, haven’t we?) So anyway, I kind of had this mental breakdown near to the end of the year, where I was so immensely pissed off with all my bad qualities that I kind of reverted back to my old (bad) self for a bit and started to be mean and started to insult and berate myself over everything. It was the kind of breakdown which left my pillow in tears every consecutive night, and with my playlist plugged with melancholic melodies. But one thing I pride myself in, is that I am courageous. I dared to walk out of the storm in my brain/heart. I tried to do that. I kept trying and trying and finding reasons to love myself, to not care about what others thought and to push away people’s doubts for me. And it was really tough, because the people who constantly enveloped me in doubt were people really really close with me, such that I wouldn’t mind dying for them (literally). Yet, they surrounded me in a sea of doubt and discouraging comments. It was so so hurtful. So please don’t even ask me why I have to exaggerate about this mental breakdown I had. I have been living with doubt all my life (I’m not sure if it is because I am way too lousy, or if people have way too high standards, but I’m thinking it’s a mixture of both). Anyway, know that pushing away doubt from the people you love so badly feels horrible. It feels downright horrible. But yep, this year, I have learnt how to (slightly) be able to build up shields against these words, and choose to believe in myself. After all, no one believes in me. What if even I don’t believe in myself, hmm?
I have also tried to be less self-centered as a person this year. (Sorry, I still am). Around the early beginnings of 2014, I made a bad decision too. I too have no idea why I would make that kind of a decision, but I guess I wasn’t thinking right back then. So so disappointed in the selfish decision I made with my friend, because I realized I let down people and it is honestly not a very nice thing to do. I myself would be upset if the same happened to me. But of course, that threw me a lesson: You are too self-centered. Yes, I was an only child for 7 years before my brother came in. I guess that was what contributed to me centering attention on myself since young and even until now. This year, I have learnt how to really really shower attention on others instead of me, so yay, that’s one lesson down. Of course, I am still not as generous and kind to that extent yet, but every year, I’m going to get better, alright? 🙂
Okay.. feels like I have typed too much. TMI hehe. Maybe it’s time to move on to my New Year Resolutions!! This year’s resolutions are going to be very easy yet very fulfilling, unlike the hard to complete ones I set last year (which i didn’t even meet…)
1) STAY HAPPY.
Honestly, it is impossible to stay infinitely happy throughout the year because let’s face it, life is not kind to us every single second of our life. Understand this, but know that what I mean by this is to always remain a positive attitude, even when storms are brewing and rain is dropping. Know that you can be the one to fill the world with light in a rainstorm. Have that power.
2) SPEND LESS ON USELESS MATTERS
By that, I mean spend lesser time on useless platforms such as Instagram and such. Spend more time with reading beautiful fiction books than deciding which photo you should post on Instagram. You will realize that your time will become more valuable and precious.
3) EXERCISE MORE AND BE HEALTHY
It’s the year of the NAPFA exams and that sucks because I would have to do a lot of physical training or Im gonna do badly on the test. Anyway, I hope to have a nicer butt and more toned stomach (no shame ahahhahaahah) so I would have to do a lot of exercise and running!!! Food wise, I’m just gonna try to avoid oily and fried and spicy food when I can. Perhaps I’ll eat them only occasionally hehhee (wonder if that will ever happen)
4) BE HARDWORKING
I don’t know about you, but I ain’t a hardworking nor competitive person. And that is the exact reason why I am not a high achiever at anything much (academics wise or leadership wise haha) I am okay to admit that fact, because… well, it’s a fact after all. This year, I want to try to be a bit more hardworking. That will also mean loads of hours in the school library this year. Oh well………….. the school library shall be my second home.
5) BE KIND
Be kind. I don’t know the exact definition of being kind, but I feel like I want to be a person who is genuinely nice and not fake nice, you know? Well I think I am just a mixture of both, But i just hope i can be genuinely nice to every single person (though that is hard) and regardless of situation too (and that is harder). But hmm, yes I can do it.
6) CONFIDENCE BABY
Time to show people that I can be confident. I am confident. I just need to overlook some matters such as people’s opinions. Once I am past that line, I will be invincible to attacks hoho. But, till then… (I am close okay)
That’s it for me. For now, I’m going to turn in and I’m going to wish you a great year ahead too. I hope you have set wonderful goals for yourself and I believe you will follow through with them diligently (If you’ll only let yourself)